20. Postscript to no. 19.
P.S. I grew up with this man. He saw me vulnerable and I learnt to let him do that. I felt deep warmth alongside him, a powerful physical and emotional connection right from the start. Whatever happened beyond that I was determined not to rubbish over a decade together and everything we did and accomplished during that time. I knew him. The best and the worst of him. I loved him. Because and despite who he was and who he became. And I probably still love him. None of that means a couple should stay together. We didn’t.
He called one day, after discussing various practicalities, insurances etc. he came to the end of his list and stopped, there was one other thing; he told me of his engagement.* I congratulated him. He didn’t expect me to say that, because he couldn’t imagine feeling or saying that to me. I didn’t think twice, of course I wanted things to work out for him – wasn’t that the whole point. I want him (and people generally!) to be happy. It’s bloody obvious that it might not be me making them all happy. Is that so weird?
He kicked me when I was just getting back up and there are times when I think I should have punished him for that. But to what end. Sometimes I actually want to thank him, he loved me, I loved him, I grew up with him.
* He moved on again after that engagement. Too good to be true, too soon, unresolved demons, I don’t know. In any case I was quietly relieved for him when I heard.