i am womannn. hear me roar

Category: marriage

27. “I used to judge child-free women…

… Some people just don’t want to have children – how could I not see that?”

The title of Eleanor Tucker’s article in the Guardian yesterday say’s a lot and not much at all.

Do the procreators out there really sit around talking about those who don’t procreate. I for one don’t have time for that, maybe because 1. I have a life and 2. I don’t have kids. Glib.

As for the comments that followed, is there anything new in there?

For starters, I can relate to Tania26’s comment. She doesn’t have children. She can’t conjure them and a solid relationship out of thin air. She does believe children come from a solid relationship. Her life is somehow ‘lesser’, or at least considered lesser. And she does have a family, she wasn’t hatched out of the side of a rock. Well put Tania26. That all makes perfect sense to me.

As for the idiotic “You shouldn’t judge child-free women as you don’t know if they CAN have children…” What a crock. Don’t judge, full stop. The idea of a tip-toeing around a quiet tragedy, whether or not there is a quiet tragedy, is infuriating. Pity, with no exceptions that I know of, is insufferable and often offensive.

Do I have to state the obvious? Choice or otherwise we all deserve respect, recognition etc.

What if we child-free women (or men) judged and commented on those with-children. Should we dwell on their reasons for having children? Or, their parenting skills.

Some of the other comments following the article include observations like – “As a mother… condescending insight.” Or highlighting the “You’ll change your mind when you get older.” And “You obviously haven’t met the right man yet” nonsense that I hear far too frequently.

It’s good to see a few comments from men too. Auraboy’s “There is some pressure on guys to father children – but it doesn’t extend to outright questioning of your fundamental masculinity. About the only challenges I get are to explain that it’s not me ‘withholding’ children from my girlfriend – as if she must be desperately begging to breed and I am cruelly stringing Her along. About the only difference to our lives are friends with children don’t tend to invite us to play dates or events dedicated to children – but I think that’s just simply respecting that we have nothing to offer in that arena and would be endlessly bored. Luckily I guess we have better friends than the article writer – but then people who judge their friends so harshly probably aren’t really friends are they?” rings loud, clear and true.

I noticed recently that a very sincere ex colleague (male) has replaced asking me “So, isn’t it time you had kids…?” with “So, how is work?” As if that is all I do. He follows that by asking my friend “So, isn’t it time you had kids…?” She is in her early 30’s.

Biology, genetics, circumstances etc. are a part of life. The preconceptions, condescending judgements and disrespect we could all do without.


26. Turning 30…

I woke up in the spare room. Not knowing what I would face that day, whether it would be smiles or scowls. That isn’t a way to live. I was grateful for the birthday card that he handed me that evening. And the stunning flowers.

The look on his face when he saw that I had already received flowers was surpassed only when he saw that I had received two bunches of flowers – from a friend and from his mother. 

My first words out loud as I lay there that morning, on my own on that milestone day, were: “Let me go. If you don’t love me, if you don’t want me, please please let me go.”  I knew even then that I had it back to front. It doesn’t matter what he wants, what matters is knowing what you want and making it happen.  

There are times when it is right to move on and that was one of them.